telling the truth

Day 22 of the Slice of Life challenge.

The truth is...

Sometimes I feel like I could take on the world.  I am bursting with ideas and energy and up for any challenge. 

And sometimes I want to crawl back under the covers and hide from the world because I just.can't. today. I get up anyhow, but sometimes I'm just doing the best I can to fake it till I make it.  

The truth is...

In theory, I want to go and see and experience and live out loud.  In reality, I love a cozy existence.  I love sleeping in my own bed at night.  I love having my favorite kind of coffee in my favorite mug every morning. My life may seem small to others, but it is filled with little moments that mean a lot to me.    

The truth is...

No one has a perfect life.  The human condition is not designed that way.  That person whose life you envy?  They carry burdens, too.  I tell myself this when I see Eva Mendes or Kate Middleton or anyone dating Lenny Kravitz in glossy magazines. I know it to be the truth--but I need reminding of this.  a lot. 

The truth is...

I am sometimes difficult.  I can be stubborn.  I can be loud.  I can be bossy.  These traits are double-edged swords, of course.  I can also be seen as persistent, with a great theatre voice, and a go-getter.  ;)

The truth is...

when Khalil Gibran wrote "let there be spaces in your togetherness?" he got it so right.  this applies to what I need with everyone I know.  I love my family--and there must be spaces in our togetherness--or I might just lose my mind.

The truth is...
I love Emily Dickinson, and Jane Austen and Tennessee Williams and Harper Lee.  I also love Real Housewives of New Jersey, My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding and singing 80's pop tunes at top volume. The truth does not always make us proud, but it is what it is.

The truth is...
If you asked my 7th-grade language arts teacher, my mom, my college roommate and my students from 1995 each to define me you would get a wide variety of answers.  My ex-husband would probably have an entirely different take, too.  ;)  I try to help kids understand this when I teach history.  We are remembered differently by different people.

The truth is....
If Stevie Ray Vaughn is on the radio I do not get out of the car until the song is over.  Also, if Adele or Sam Smith is on, it is required that I sing along and sing loudly.  Notice I didn't say sing "well".

The truth is....
Sweet tea tastes better from a Mason jar.  It is even better on a front porch.  Coffee is best in a mug that fits my hand. Lemonade is best is a clear glass with loads of crushed ice.

The truth is...
I should probably love kale at least as much as I love Tex-Mex, but I don't and never will.  I will smile and be grateful for it, but will never give up my queso & chips altogether. And if I eat those chips, I'm choosing to--I am enjoying it and I refuse to apologize or act like I need to do penance.

The truth is...
I am far from perfect, but now that I'm in my mid-40's I like myself a whole lot better than I did at 20, despite my no-longer-stellar figure and my crow's feet.  I have lived a joyful life.  I have laughed often and loved much, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

so tired, tired

Day 21 of the Slice of Life challenge.

"Mama, two stories every night.  Remember? I get one more story."

"Yes, baby girl.  I remember.

 Once upon a time there was a tired, tired mama."

"Mama.  NOT a 'tired, tired' story.  Those are too short. "

"Okay...how about this one...

 Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess who lived in a castle at the very tip-top of a tall, tall  mountain."

"What was her name?"

"Her name was Olivia."

"That's my name!" she says, her voice filled with sleepy giggles. 

"Yes, baby.  That IS your name.
 Olivia wore a beautiful sparkly dress."

"What color was her dress?"

"It was pink.  A lovely shade of sparkly pink."

"Mama!  Pink is my favorite color, too!"

"You're right, sweet girl. It sure is," I say.
 Princess Olivia decided to have a big party and invite all her friends to come to the castle to  play.  She planned and planned and finally the big day arrived.  All her friends came to the party and  everyone sang songs and danced around, and built forts, and ate pizza and cake, and played ball and  blew up  balloons and had a great time together.

"Did Diego go to the party?"

"Yes, baby.  Diego was there."

"How about Jiya?"

"She sure was, baby."

"And Autumn? Was she there, too?"

"Absolutely, Autumn was there."

"And Leo?"

"Yes. All of Olivia's friends were at the party. They had a great time together.  They played so hard and had so much fun that at the end of the day they were all so tired, tired. "

"Umhum," she yawns.

"Yes, they were so tired, tired that they all went home and put on their PJs.  They climbed into bed and got all snugged up with their blankies and their loveys."

"I'm all snugged up with Blankie!" she mumbles.

"Yes, little one, you sure are.
 And then each and every one of Olivia's friends got all cozy, cozy in their nice warm beds and fell  fast asleep." I whisper.

And this tired, tired mama kisses your forehead and breathes in the sweet smell of childhood and knows how very blessed she is to have you.

The days are long, but the years are oh so short.

where did it go?

Day 20 of the Slice of Life challenge.

Spring officially begins the day my spring break officially ends.  Poetic?  Maybe. I still have the weekend, of course--and I'm hanging on to that with both hands.  

I'm not gonna lie---I feel discombobulated. I mean, SERIOUSLY, where DID this week go???

I have cleaned.  Not that you can tell it now with both kids and the hubby also home all week.
I have read.  But not enough.  Not nearly enough. (it is never enough)
I have hosted a Flat Stanley from Omaha.  Well, Flat Ricky.  We had fun with this!
I have cooked.  And had take-out. And gone out to eat.
I have napped. Ah, glorious naps!
I have walked. You know, in the 5 minutes it hasn't been raining this week.
I have watched movies.  Cinderella.  Harry Potter. Get On Up.
I have traveled. Glad Mom lives right outside Austin and not deep in it.  SXSW makes traffic crazy.
I have spent time with family. Fun times. Then arguing. Repeat.This is why we can't have nice things.
I have written. I have not missed a day of SOL.  (pats self on shoulder)
I have taken care of myself.  Hot baths. New Clarisonic. Favorite coffee. Dark chocolate. Red wine.
I have watched some basketball.  Axe'Em Jacks.

Oh.  Huh.  Guess that's where my week went.  

Righteous Anger

Day 19 of the Slice of Life challenge.

A friend of mine posted this article on The Righteous Anger of Girls on FB this morning.  I haven't been able to get it out of my mind since reading it.  I don't have anything very eloquent to say about it yet--but I'm working on it. ;)

I'm fairly convinced this gives clues to at least one of the reasons for the popularity of Frozen---at least I can vouch that my 5-year-old daughter sings, "Don't let them in, don't let them see/ Be the good girl you always have to be/ Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know/ Well now they know!" with extra gusto.

In other news, I went to see Cinderella this afternoon.  She is taught to have courage and be kind, which is excellent advice. The world can certainly use more kind. I loved the movie, and so did my daughters and the friend who joined us.

Hmmm...

I have a lot on my mind today.
Maybe because I am the mother of two girls.
Maybe because I remember being filled with righteous anger myself.
Maybe because I still am.

One of the sayings I live by has always been, "Do not mistake my kindness for weakness." I said it for years before I realized it is part of a quote attributed to notorious gangster Al Capone.
I still mean it.

Thoughts swirl in my mind like ice crystals; like twinkling evidence of magic. Not sure how to reconcile all this in my head---working on that.

filling my bucket

Day 18 of the Slice of Life challenge.

I love, love, LOVE my job, it is true.  There is, however, one little issue I noticed right away.  My office is open.  OPEN.  O.P.E.N.  It is very much like a drive-through window with no actual window--just a large gaping hole.  I mean, it is a pretty office---and very large--and I am a HUGE believer in being out and about with the students for the bulk of the day rather than being tucked away and unreachable. 

With all that said, the issue is that I am never really able to have a break.  It is far more healthy to pack a lunch, but often I find that leaving campus for my allotted 30 minutes is the only opportunity I have for a quick respite from the day. I don't know about you, but I need this time to recharge in order to be there for the afternoon as fully as I am in the mornings.  If I'm in my office you can pretty much guarantee I have a few students in there, and probably a few at my "drive-through window", as well. 

 I am not complaining--just stating facts.  The greater good that has come from this is I have been forced to finally consider how to get better at filling my bucket.  I read this post  from More Books Than Time and thought about how so many of us struggle with filling our buckets in the busyness of our lives spent caretaking for others. 

I've made some life changes that seem to be helping.  

1. Okay, so I don't often fangirl, but I am a huge Outlander fan (longtime fan of the book series by Diana Gabaldon), so when an opportunity came to join an Outlander facebook fan group page getting on board the Bear Sports My Peak Challenge, I jumped.  My Peak Challenge was really working on learning not to eat my emotions and to get moving. It helps being part of a community with similar goals, with all of us cheering one another on. 

2. I bought a Fitbit.  I am super conscious of getting in my steps now. I knew I wasn't moving enough, but now I KNOW know. 

3. I am a HUGE believer in Epsom Salt baths.  When I'm stressed after a long day,  nothing seems to relax me as much as putting on a lovely candle or incense stick and soaking in a hot bath filled with Dr. Teal's Eucalyptus Spearmint Epsom Salts. I just feel amazingly relaxed when I get out.

4. Water.  Water. I drink lots of water in addition to my morning coffee (which, by the way, is not going away!)

5.  I'm making a concerted effort in taking care of my skin for the first time ever.  I'll be 45 next month--I think it's time! My mom even surprised me with an early birthday present--a gift of a Clarisonic Mia---it is charging now (24 hours before the first use---ack!  I should have taken it out of the box sooner!) but I can't wait to use it.  

6.  I'm spring cleaning some over this spring break.  Let's be clear... despite being a librarian, home organization does not come easy for me.  Book organization, yes; home organization, no.  I just have too much stuff (another thing I'm working on)compared to the space available.  I am sentimental and I like my things.  I KNOW from experience I feel better when I have less chaos around me, so it is worth it to me to spend some time on this project. It will not happen overnight, but it WILL happen one bite at a time.

7.  I am making time for daily habits that I enjoy like writing, too.  Journaling, reflection time, quiet morning moments with my coffee. All of these have their place.

8.  Mostly I am trying to remember that perfection isn't possible and to cut myself a break. 

Remember to fill YOUR bucket, too.  Life has plenty of hard, folks. Fill your bucket so you can fill the bucket of those you love.

Sonja

On Comments

Day 17 of the Slice of Life challenge

I continue to learn new things through this Slice of Life challenge.  One of the lessons I'll carry with me is to comment on all the blogs I read.  Perhaps not each and every post, but far more often than I have been.  

I didn't comment much before for a list of reasons--too busy, reading on the go, my opinion wasn't quite formed yet, and sometimes even that my opinion or comments didn't really matter in the long run. 

Here's what I've learned: comments matter.  Writing is, at heart, a conversation between the writer and the reader.  No reader, no conversation---just a monologue.  It helps me as a writer to feel that I'm not always just a lone voice singing in the wind.  When you comment, I know I've reached you, even if we disagree.  If you comment, neither of us feel alone in our thoughts and sometimes we can even learn from one another.  If I comment, I do the same for you. 

I read many blogs consistently. Up to this point, I can count only a handful of times I've commented--which is silly given how giddy I get when I get comments on my posts.  "But mine is just a little blog," I think, "and theirs has thousands of followers.  My comment would be redundant. That first commenter said it better than I could."  

I'm so thankful that this challenge has truly challenged me in many ways---the hosts were brilliant for requiring everyone to comment on three other posts per day.  This is another good habit I'll be happy to keep after March is long over. 

Home Again

Day 16 of the Slice of Life challenge by Two Writing Teachers.

We had a wonderful whirlwind weekend with family.  My brothers and their families left yesterday, so this morning, our last morning at my mom's house, was far more quiet than normal.  Only my sleepy children and hubby to stumble down to breakfast, still wearing their pj's.  

My mom and I got our quiet morning coffee time together.  It is always nice to have her all to myself for a bit each trip.  She is a whirling dervish, so time sitting together is precious.  She brought out a plastic box she picked up the last time she visited her brother.  In it were treasures more valuable than gold.  Well, to me, at least.  Photos of my grandparents when they were young, and of their many siblings, and two little books I had never seen before.  The journal of my grandfather from 1946, and a ledger of his father, my great-grandfather.  As the family historian, these treasures are now mine, although I left them with her along with instructions to write names on the backs of the photos using photo-safe ink.  I'll return in a month's time on my way to the Texas Library Association's annual conference and pick them up.  

We went for a long walk this morning on the trail behind her house.  The countryside is so different in the Hill Country than in East Texas.  It has its own beauty, filled with various cactus and mesquite trees.  It is a harsher beauty than the lush foliage and tall pines where I live, but one I also appreciate. It was nice to have a brisk walk, hearing the cooing of doves as we stretched our legs a bit, especially considering the 4-hour drive home we made this afternoon!

And so, we have arrived home.Tired, but happy, with the rest of our spring break week ahead of us.